AMRITA PHADNIS: Leaving Myself!!!

I was just like me, myself . The real me, the cute me, the idiot me, the foolish me, the kiddish me, the stupid and insane me!! But i was happy that i was me! It was bright sunny day, i wore my favorite while color dress, with a kajal and blue color liner on my eyes. It was getting difficult to walk down the stairs wearing heels, as there was no electricity and elevator wasn't working. I tried managing it somehow. uff! i realized i left my I card in the room, ughhh it was irritating to climb up five floors and coming down, can't help it ,though. While walking on the road to get the Auto, i saw someone looking at me, before i could see who that was, an auto came and stood in front of me " Madam, kaha jaana hain", he asked, i negotiated a bit with the Auto wala and reached office.

OMG, I saw the same guy in the office, well i think i knew him. He was in my college.We talked, said HI, had coffee, little bit of chit-chat, and about the work. I liked him, he liked me too. He complimented saying " you look really amazing in white, the color suits you". Hm. i coudn't control my smile. He said " oh, i love the way you smile too" and that made me laugh even more. We met here and there in the office. During the tea breaks and all. Went for Dinner and i ordered my favorite Veg Manchurian, and Chilly Garlic Noodles. He liked everything in me, my smile, the way i talk, the way i laugh out loud, the stupid insane habits of me, the dresses i wore, the way i eat, the way i look at him and everything...hm, well without even second thought, i started loving him, he proposed and i said yes. That was the most beautiful moment for me!! We decided to enjoy each and every moment together. We decided to accept each other the way we are.!! and that was the best thing in a relationship.

Two years flew like this! but things changed. We decided to go out for a dinner after a long time! well why long time? because he usually is busy in his own things and i in mine. I decided to wear White, as that was the color i was wearing when we met the first time, i applied the same makeup, and i thought everything will be same,i thought we will go to the same place to have dinner we went the first time.I thought he will look at me and say" oh you look exactly the same when i saw you the first time".

Well he came to pick me up. Me waiting for his compliment, he said " whay do you always wear white i dont understand". before i could say anything he started driving. He asked me in between where do i want to go for dinner " I said, i want to go the place where we went for the first time", he replied, "no ya, we will go somewhere else. I dont find the place that good. okay i said. He stopped at the restaurant, we sat for dinner, and asked what would i like to have, before I say" I want my favorite Chilly garlic noodles and Veg. Manch." he said, Now PLEASE dont order the same old favourite. Try something new this time. I kept quiet.Having dinner, I laughed loud on something and he said" why do you laugh like this? can't you laugh slow? I dropped the fork, and he said "uf, its difficult to come with you anywhere. Somehow finishing the dinner,We left the palce.

on way to home, i was quiet, realizing things have changed. He didn't like what he used to like in me. I decided to change myself for him. I stopped wearing white, i hated the restaurant we went for the first time and decided not to go ever again, chilly garlic noodles and Veg. Manchurian makes me vomit, and i controlled my laugh and the way i acted insane and stupid. I realized i am leaving myself. I realized, i am not the same, I realized " I am not ME".I realized its not me, it's who he wants me to be. And the other day " when in a dinner i was quiet, i was mature,I ate his favourite, i controlled my laugh and behaved his way, i acted the way he wanted me to be. All of a sudden he came to me and said " YOU are not the same i met, you have changed. I want you to be the same" . I could just smile and say nothing, thinking yes, i have changed for you!! Without even making you realize that. and its difficult for me to get back now, because i left myself...leaving myself!!